How a Youtube video saved my Marriage - Gottman's Four Horsemen

 This post is going to be slightly different than the other finance-related content. This will be a part of the Sense series. 

This is about how I did not even realise that my relationship has been on the rocks for months (years?). The only clue? Wife has been very short tempered towards me recently, and every single mistakes made, or answers not to her satisfaction will end up with me getting scolded. It was very taxing mentally as I have to tread around carefully in her presence, to the point that I would rather limit our interaction when possible because I keep thinking this is just a phase that will blow over, kinda like PMS? As it turns out, I was dead wrong and we ended up having a confrontation.

Personally, I have always put a lot of emphasis on the mastery of self; Both mentally and physically. Only by operating at my best mental and physical capacity, will I be able to achieve the best result on my quality of life and to the people I care about. Over the years, I am able to make sense how and why I feel or behave in a certain ways, which help me resolve negative emotions, stress, etc. 

 Great read, highly recommended Book

Having come to identify that conflict leads to negative emotions and lead to further relationship issues, I have been quick to logically resolve conflicts on my end and move on with my life.

And that there lies the HUGE FLAW in the way I resolve conflict.  Most of my conflict resolution is done internally, “ON MY END.” I could easily analyse, be at peace with the issues,  and close the chapter  once I decide it is no longer worth my while and that nothing good will come out of it. What I clearly forget is that conflict is a 2-way street. I may have resolved it on my end, but the other party is still being haunted by the issue, and it comes across as if I am pretending everything is fine (I genuinely did not know anything was wrong). 

Imagine my shock when the wife brought up my past action that have caused great emotional damage to her 2 years ago! While I have realised my mistake, moved on and thought that I have done as much as possible to make amends, the issue was still eating her from the inside, and with recent events happening, she finally reached her limit and ‘explode’. Which I am kind of glad she did, else I will not be aware of any problem and continue down this path till our whole relationship crumbles.

And this was where a Youtube video I watched few days prior to my confrontation with the wife ended up expanding my horizon and better my understanding of conflicts.

This talkshow is one of my guilty pleasures. It’s quite interesting to observe how the younger generation think and navigate the current fast-changing civilization. Such insight is one that I hope would be useful in communicating with my children as they grow up.

Entertaining value aside. The most recent topic where they explore conflicts has helped me a lot. INm particular when one of the host brought up the “Four Horsemen”: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. That was something that immediately caught my interest, so as usual I did some googling to learn more.

I was blown away by this concept, so simple and so true. For those not familiar, Dr Gottmann came up with ‘The Four Horsemen’ mentioned, which refers to communication pattern when there is conflict (or fighting style if you prefer). It is a play of the four horsemen of the apocalypse which I feel is quite apt considering this will eventually lead to the total apocalypse of the relationship. Looking back, I realise  that me and the wife as a married couple has been guilty of this in many instances, and  to continue doing so is toxic to the relationship.

For those in a relationship, or planning to be in one, I highly recommend you read through the article or at least watch the 2 min video for a quick summary

The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism
   
2. Contempt
   
3. Defensiveness
   
4. Stonewalling
   

 Personally, I’ve identified that I tend to be defensive and stonewall in conflict, which is also a reaction to how the other party behaves in conflict. It is a vicious cycle as one party criticise and contempt, the opposing party gets more defensive or eventually just stonewall. This will the piss off the first party as they could not get any reaction and further escalate their verbal attack, leading to the other party withdrawing further. Until eventually, all that is left is the negativity, neither knew what they are even fighting about and both party will decide to call it quits. 

So remember! Conflict is a 2-way street, it will not get resolved one sidedly. A fact, that has escaped me for a while. How you communicate and express your anger/ disappointment is important in resolving the problem at hand. I was quite lucky we finally managed to talk it out and ended up understanding each other better, discovering flaws and mistakes I have done that was detrimental to our relationship. I did send her the article about the Four Horsemen of conflict, and I am glad that she was open minded enough to read through it and identify her own faults as much as I did mine. 

I think Jade Rasif puts it best during the show: 

“The more you love someone the more they have the power to trigger you.”

In short, Conflicts are bound to happen when you care deeply about someone. They are inevitable, and how both parties behave and react to conflict will determine the success or the failure of the relationship.